The Meaning of Loyalty
by Kukapetal
Summary: When the Red Skull is rendered weak and helpless, Crossbones must face a side of his boss he's never seen before...and perhaps discover something about himself in the process.
1. Midnight

Chapter 1: Midnight

** Okay, so I don't normally do novel-length author's notes like this, but this story is so specific to a particular event in the comics that I feel it needs a little explaining. Anyway, way back in the late 80's (I think) , there was a story in Captain America issues 367-370 where Magneto takes revenge on the Red Skull by burying him alive in an abandoned fallout shelter. Crossbones and a few of his other henchmen spend several issues frantically trying to find him, and when they finally do, he's so weak and in such despair, he only wants to go home to die. It takes a visit from Captain America to re-stoke his hatred and motivate him to go on.**

** When I read this story a few years ago, I quite enjoyed it. It was one of the few times I've ever seen Red Skull suffering and vulnerable, and Crossbones's frantic concern for his boss was almost sweet and touching. I've always been a fan of both villains, and it was very interesting that the story showed sides of them we don't normally get to see. I couldn't help but want to take the setup the comic gave us to its logical conclusion. Hey, I'm a sappy optimist…and I like to believe that even terrible people can have gooey caramel centers hidden deep inside.**

** Anyway, after seeing the wonderful Captain America movie, I was reminded that I still had this and a few other stories about Red Skull on floppy disks somewhere…and I decided to clean this one up and post it. Not sure if the others will see the light of day…they need much more work :P**

** Also, I do believe this is the only story I've ever written in first person…not sure what possessed me to do it. Ah well, it was a fun little experiment, even if I didn't really capture the voice of a New York thug :P**

** Okay, enough rambling! **

/ / / / / / / / /

I stood guard in the darkened room, listening to the boss breathe. It was slow and even, the breath of sleep, but it was also weak and wispy, the breath of the dying. That wasn't an exaggeration, either. He had refused food and drink since we'd brought him here, and his already weakened body couldn't hold out much longer. He needed medical attention, but he didn't want it. He only wanted to see Captain America. And then to die. And we, as his most loyal followers, were unable to refuse.

Again and again, I wondered why I couldn't just go along with what Mother Night had wanted. To treat him anyway, restore his health, and hope that his will to live would return in time. He was too ill and traumatized to think rationally, was what she'd said. And it made sense, and since it did, what she suggested also made sense.

So why couldn't I make myself go along with it?

Maybe it was his eyes. Even as feeble and cloudy as they now were, they still had some sort of power over me. Those harsh, pale blue orbs had always commanded respect and loyalty, not just from me, but from all his followers. They held an assumption of inherent superiority, an expectation of swift obedience and a promise of even swifter retribution for failure. But now, their fire had gone out. They were empty. I didn't even see pain or fear in their icy depths. Just despair. He had given up.

Maybe that was why I couldn't do it. His eyes, for the first time I had ever seen, had lost their presence to command. He could only ask for what he wanted now, and hope it would be carried out. And to go against his wishes when he was in such a state was something I could only view as taking advantage of his weakness. I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I'd heard it said that I was loyal to the point of foolishness. No one had ever said such a thing to my face, of course, but that didn't mean it wasn't said, or that I wasn't aware of it. And maybe it was true. But he was the boss. There was no other person on the planet who commanded the respect he commanded, no other person who could generate the fear he could generate, no other person who embodied the lust for power and the ruthlessness to achieve it that I so admired. He was the ultimate badass, and it was my honor to be his right-hand man. I knew I could never throw all that away on being wishy-washy. I had pledged my loyalty to him, and that meant I would be loyal, even if it didn't get me the results I wanted.

I would find Captain America for him. And hopefully, that would have some effect. Snap him out of this stupor. Motivate him to go on, if only so he could crush that flag-wearing pansy like the bug he was. And if it didn't…

If it didn't, then I would respect his wishes. Even if those wishes were to die. I could do nothing less. He was the boss.

I closed my eyes and tried to fight off a rising wave of distress. What would happen then? To me…to all of us? Would his empire fragment? Would there be a power struggle between his high-ranking subordinates? Or would Synthia inherit it and prove she had her father's leadership skills and commanding presence, the ability to rule it all without turmoil?

I realized that, whatever the outcome…it didn't matter. Even if I had to pick a side, even if I got my hands on some of his empire myself, or even if Sin, the only woman I had ever come close to giving a damn about, took over and ruled with an iron fist, the passion would have gone out of it for me. I was in this for him. Because I admired him, and because I wanted to be a part of his work. Without him, it would all be hollow.

Yet, even knowing that, I still couldn't betray his wishes. Not even if it meant losing my purpose in life. Maybe I really was foolish in the extent of my loyalty.

A soft moan shook me out of my inner musings. I snapped my head up to see that he had shifted position on the bed slightly. As I looked at him, he moaned softly again. Was he awake? Or was he having a nightmare?

My boots whispered softly against the old carpet as I crossed the room. He moaned again as I reached his side, and my worry deepened. The last moan had sounded more like a whimper than anything else.

"Boss?" I whispered hesitantly, afraid of disturbing him if he was sleeping, afraid of embarrassing him if he wasn't. Maybe he didn't even know I was here.

"No…no…please no. Not again," came his voice, soft and frightened in the darkness. "Please…no…I can't take anymore. Not again. Not again. Why can't I escape?"

"Boss?" I said a bit more loudly, as I looked down upon his helpless form. He had wasted away to skin and bones during his confinement, as if the rest of his body was trying to match is gruesome face, and I felt almost menacing as I loomed over him. I had always dwarfed him physically, even when he was at the peak of health, but now, as he lay before me, shivering in the green robe we'd dressed him in, the robe that was now several sizes too big for him, I felt like a giant.

I quickly knelt beside the bed, hoping that would make my presence less threatening, although I still seemed to tower over him. "Hey…" I whispered, reaching out to touch his shoulder. I hesitated before doing so, still afraid of what his reaction would be to me disturbing him.

He whimpered again and cringed away from me, drawing his legs up against his body in a fetal position. "I want to leave this place," he moaned softly. "I want to get out. I want…I want…please, why won't you let me out? I'm s….s…sor…."

"Boss?" I said again, this time quite a bit louder, no longer caring if I ended up pissing him off. I couldn't take it any more. I hated seeing him humbled like this. I reached out and shook his shoulder. "Boss, wake up."

His eyes flew wide and he twisted to face in my direction. They were delirious…crazed…half mad. They seemed to see me, and yet, look through me at the same time.

"Get out, you phantom!" he snarled at me, and, if I hadn't been kneeling, I would have taken a step backwards. That commanding fire was back in his eyes, and for the first time since we'd rescued him, I found myself feeling afraid of him.

"I said get out!" he hissed at me. He reached out as if to seize my arm in a vicious grip, but could only grope blindly in the dark, and as a result, missed me and fell forward slightly. I reached out to help him sit upright, but he snarled at me and twisted himself so he was looking up at me on his own. "You lie to me!" he spat. "You keep appearing to me, but never helping me! You mock me! Leave me in PEACE!" That last part would have been a roar that echoed through the whole manor if he had been healthy, but instead only came out as a thin, strengthless shriek.

I cringed anyway, and looked toward the door. No sign of any light in the hallway. The others were asleep right now, but they wouldn't stay that way if he didn't quiet down. And I knew that having the others see him in the state he was in would be even more humiliating for him. It was bad enough that I was here to see it.

"Boss, you have to calm down," I told him softly. "There's no one here who's gonna hurt-"

"I want to get out of here," he moaned, his eyes meeting mine. The fire was gone from them again, leaving behind only despair. "Why won't you let me out?"

"Let you out?" I repeated back, not understanding what he meant.

"Out of the dark," he answered, his voice dropping to a whisper. "I keep thinking I've escaped…only to wake up back here. Why do you keep doing it to me? Please…please, just let me out. Let me out or leave me in peace."

My eyes widened. Did he think he was back underground? Was that it? Did he think that his entire rescue was just some sort of hallucination? One he'd had several times, from the sound of it. And now, he thought he had woken up right back where he started. Hopelessly entombed. Waiting for death. Alone in the dark.

I realized that the bedroom was quite close to being pitch black. The lights were out, and the only window was covered. I had been standing guard in there for several hours, so my eyes had adjusted. He had just woken up, and probably couldn't see a thing. No wonder he thought he was back in that deathtrap.

"Boss, you aren't trapped anymore," I told him softly, placing a comforting hand on his back. Even through the heavy cloth of his robe, I could feel every single one of his ribs and the bumpy curve of his spine. "You're in your own room. We rescued you. You're home." I glanced at the far wall. There was a floor lamp over there. What better way to convince him he was safe in his own bed than by turning on the light and revealing it to him? I started to get up.

"No," he cried, reaching for me. His grip was too weak to hold my arm, but his nails dug into my flesh, scratching me, from the feel of it. "Don't go! Please, I didn't mean it! Don't leave me alone! I know…I know…" his voice trailed off into a whimper. "I know you won't come back."

"Okay, okay," I said hastily, kneeling beside the bed once more. "I won't leave you, Boss. That's a promise." I slipped one arm around him loosely, supporting him and helping to keep him steady. "It's gonna be okay," I told him softly. "I know you don't believe me, but you're safe at home and no one is gonna put you back in that place. I won't let 'em. Okay?" I tightened my arm around him slightly, wanting him to feel safe. If he felt safe, he would calm down, and maybe he would go back to sleep. Or at least let me get up and turn on the light. "Shhhhhh, Boss," I whispered. "It's all right. I'm here, okay?"

He reached out for me again, and this time found me. His hand closed around my arm and he pulled himself forward against my chest, buying his grotesque face in the crook of my neck. I froze as I felt him cling to me, his breath tickling warmly against my throat. I opened my mouth to say something, but could only close it uselessly again when nothing came out. I trembled a bit as he leaned heavily against me, his body shuddering rhythmically.

_Is he…? No, no, it can't be. _I refused to believe it. There were certain absolutes in this world, things I could believe in wholeheartedly, and this went against one of them. Water did not flow uphill. The sun did not rise at midnight. And the Red Skull did not cry. Period.

"Let's get you back in bed," I said uncomfortably, unable to bear the spectacle anymore. I felt moisture on my neck, but surely that was just condensation from his breath. Or maybe sweat, or…anything else but-

"Don't leave me," he whimpered against me. "I don't want to be alone in the dark. I can't bear it."

"I said I wouldn't," I reassured him, sliding my arm underneath him so I could lift him slightly and pull the blankets down. I set him back down on the purple silk sheets and reached down to take off his green slippers. I put them under the bed, and then gently helped him to lie down on the mattress. I slid the pillow beneath his head, then reached down to pull the blankets up over him.

"No!" As soon as I'd let go of him, he cried out. And it stopped me in my tracks. "Don't go!"

"I'm not gonna," I told him again. "I'm gonna stay right here. But Boss, you have to get some sleep."

"No," he whimpered. "You'll be gone when I wake up. I know it. You always are. I hate you."

"C'mon now," I said gently. "You hate everybody. Tell me something I don't know." I tried to force a laugh, but it stuck in my throat. There wasn't anything funny about any of this.

He shuddered beneath me, and turned his head away from me. I moment later I heard a sniffle.

_No! _This time there was no mistaking what he was doing. He was crying. I saw no tears on his face (perhaps dehydration had taken its toll), but he was sobbing without them, his face contorted into an expression of absolute misery.

"No, c'mon, Boss, don't do that!" I protested, beginning to panic. Maybe the Red Skull could cry…after all, as much as I admired him, I knew he was only a man. And all men have secret moments, moments of pain, moments of vulnerability. But even if he, too, had such moments, a lowly henchman like me shouldn't be there to witness them. Such moments weren't for my eyes to see.

I knelt there uselessly, not knowing what to do. I wanted to run away, to leave him alone with his suffering so I wouldn't have to watch it. So I wouldn't have to humiliate him by seeing it. But if I left, I left him in the dark, alone with his pain, his terror. Surely, that was just as cruel as staring at him while he was at his most vulnerable, wasn't it?

And anyway, I had promised I wouldn't leave him. So I had to stay. Even if it wasn't my place to see this, or to comfort him, I had to do it. Because if I didn't, then who would? He had no one else. Except for maybe Mother Night, judging by how he had a habit of leaving clothes in her room. But it had always been clear to me that he held her in contempt. His opinion of women was lower than dirt. No, he wouldn't want her to see him like this. It had to be me.

"C'mon, it's gonna be okay," I whispered, leaning over his helpless, shuddering form. I slipped my arms back around him, cradling him against me as I leaned over him. "I'm not gonna leave you. I'll stay here, just like this, all night if you want me to. Or I'll stand over you and guard you, or I'll…I'll…act out _War and Peace _with shadow puppets on the wall…or I'll hang from the ceiling by my feet and tell knock-knock jokes. Anything you want. Just don't cry, Boss."

He buried his face back in my shirt and clung to me while I held him close, trying to calm him down. His sobs had a wild, ragged edge to them, as if crying were something he hadn't had much practice with. They were muffled against my chest as well, and this, combined with the otherwise deathly silence of the room, gave them a lonely, almost ghostly sound.

I tightened my arms around him, not knowing what to do. I wasn't cut out for this kind of thing. I didn't know how to make this better. I didn't know how to comfort anyone, least of all someone as twisted and messed up as he was. It wasn't something I'd had any practice with, or had even ever given much thought to. I never thought it would be a skill I would need. I was as unused to this as he was to tears.

How I hated that mutie for doing this to him! How dare he take a powerful, dangerous, and regal creature like the boss and reduce him to a sniveling wreck? If that fucking piece of mutant trash ever tried anything like that again, I swore I would personally turn him inside out. No freaky powers would save him. I'd tear him to pieces and stick his fucking head on the wrought iron fence outside. And consider it to be too good for that posturing, sanctimonious piece of shit!

The boss gave a soft cry of both confusion and pain, and I started as I realized that I had been squeezing him too hard. I'd let my temper get the better of me while thinking about that mutant piece of shit and had forgotten that I was still holding him. Immediately, I loosened my grip.

"Shit, I'm sorry Boss," I said hastily, cursing myself. In his weakened state, he was very fragile, and I was lucky I hadn't seriously hurt him. "I'm so sorry. Oh man, that was stupid. I'm sorry, Boss. You okay?"

He didn't answer. He remained clinging to me, although he was no longer crying. Quickly, I slid a hand over his upper body, trying to see if anything felt broken. I didn't feel anything out of place, and breathed a sigh of relief. Against my chest, the boss gave a quivering sigh of his own, and I tightened my arms around him once more, careful not to hurt him this time.

I don't know how long we sat there like that. Probably not as long as it felt like. My legs were beginning to fall asleep from kneeling for so long, and my back felt stiff from being unnaturally hunched over. And the position the boss had twisted into-half sitting up, half lying in my arms, didn't look very comfortable either. I began to wish I could put him down. Not just to because of the physical discomfort, either. I still felt stupid playing this role, and uncomfortable seeing him playing his.

"You should at least be lying down," I murmured in his ear. He didn't respond, except to tighten his grip on me. As I pretty much expected. I sighed, trying to work through this dilemma. Only it wasn't a dilemma, when I got right down to it. Because I knew what I needed to do. And that only made it worse, because it was something I really, really didn't want to do.

But…

I sighed. There was no use going over it again. I was hopelessly ensnared by my loyalty, and that loyalty was going to keep my playing my part in this twisted little play until the final curtain call.

I slowly eased myself up from a kneeling position, wobbling a bit as I tried to steady my numb legs and hang onto the boss at the same time. He gave a soft sound of protest, but I ignored him this time, getting halfway to my feet. Then, still managing to hang onto him, I eased myself onto the mattress. The bed creaked as I sat down beside him.

"I gotta let you go for just a minute," I told him gently. "But I'll let you hang onto me, so you don't have to be afraid I'll….disappear, or whatever, okay?"

He made another incoherent protest as I set him down, and I quickly took one of his hands. Reaching behind me, I found the ties for my mask. They were long and dangling, and easy for him to hold onto. I slipped them into his hand and felt it weakly close around them. "There," I told him. "You hold onto that, so I don't get away."

I immediately wished I hadn't said it like that. The way I had chosen for him maintain contact with me made it seem like he was holding onto me with a leash. In a way, it was almost comical, but I wasn't laughing. No, what I felt was closer to terror.

Trying to ignore what I was feeling, I looked down at my boots. They were still dirty from our excursion into the cemetery earlier. I certainly couldn't leave them on. I leaned down to remove them, and felt the mask ties begin to slip out of the boss's grip.

I froze and let him get a tighter grasp. Still, I knew I had to hurry. His hold on them was tenuous, and if he lost it, he would probably get upset again. I had to be fast, but I also had to be careful not to accidentally pull them from his hands. Not a good combination.

Moving in slow motion, I struggled a bit, but finally managed to ease the boots off. I tossed them away, then undid the ammo holders around my thighs. The ones around my wrists followed, and finally, I undid my belt, with its pouches full of bullets and the holster containing my gun.

I tossed the belt to join the rest of my discarded stuff a few feet from the bed. As I looked at the pile of leather and cloth, I was reminded again of the tie that Mother Night said he'd left in her room. That didn't help.

I tried to put it from my mind and turned back to him. The mask ties slipped from his hand, but it didn't matter anymore. I slipped my arms back around him and picked him up, like I might pick up a little kid. Gently, I gathered him into my arms, cradling him against my chest. Still trying not to think about what I was doing, I swung my legs up onto the bed and slipped them under the covers. Slowly, I eased myself down onto the mattress, until I was lying down with the boss still nestled in my arms. With my eyes closed out of sheer embarrassment, I reached down blindly, found the blankets, and pulled them up over us, covering both of us up to our necks. It hid most of the sight I couldn't bear to see, but I could still feel him there in my arms.

I was holding a deadly viper, one that might strike at any time, without warning. I was holding a delicate porcelain sculpture, one that might break at the slightest wrong movement. I hardly dared to breathe.

He stirred against me slightly and garbled something that I couldn't make out. Maybe it was just gibberish. Or maybe it was German. I was certainly no expert. German had always sounded like someone hacking up a load of phlegm to me. I finally let out the breath I'd been holding and clumsily caressed him with one trembling hand. I realized I was shaking as much as he was.

No…I was shaking more, actually. He seemed to have calmed down considerably. He lay in my arms, one hand wrapped loosely around my neck, the other on my chest. His fist was closed around a handful of my shirt. He let out a soft breath in what sounded like a sigh.

"That's it," I whispered to him, rubbing his back gently. "Just go to sleep, Boss. Everything's gonna be okay. I promise."

He murmured something unintelligible again and his grip on my shirt tightened a bit as he nestled closer. I wondered if anyone had ever held him like this, even as a baby. I knew a little about his past, and what I knew led me to believe no one had. Was I the first person to ever comfort him this way? Somehow, I felt almost honored that the task fell to someone like me, even as uncomfortable as it made me. It was a duty I'd certainly never anticipated, but one that was probably more important than any of the others I'd performed for him. One that required far more guts…and far more trust. Perhaps this honor would comfort me and help to make the rest of it easier to bear.

Because I knew that, if he ever recovered from all this, he was going to make me pay for what I was doing. By undertaking this important duty, I had likely signed my own death warrant. But I knew this. I had accepted it. He was the boss, and I was his most loyal man. And he needed me. I could do nothing else but obey.

His breathing had evened out, and I felt certain that he had gone back to sleep. And my own eyelids were staring to feel pretty heavy too. As long as I was stuck like this, I supposed it didn't hurt if I got a little sleep as well. After all, there was no need to stay awake. The boss was as safe as he could possibly be, and with him being so close to me, I would wake up immediately if he stirred. And hopefully, if he _did _stir, my presence there would remind him that he was safe and not trapped back underground. He was with me, and I would protect him.

I tightened my arms around him and nestled him closer to me, close enough to feel his breath on my neck, close enough to feel his heart beating against my chest, and I closed my eyes…

/ / / / / / / / / / / / /

**By the way, I have no idea why Cap didn't show up for his visit with Red Skull in this version of events. Maybe the person who reported the lights on at Skull House to Cap's hotline in the original story was on a bathroom break in this universe :P**


	2. Early Morning

**Chapter 2: Early Morning**

**In the previous chapter, I forgot to mention the usual disclaimer that I don't own these two characters. I'm sure you're all just floored by that revelation.**

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / /

Movement snatched me back from the depths of slumber. I opened my eyes and was greeted with pitch blackness. I wasn't disoriented for long, however, since the slim form I still held in my arms reminded me exactly where I was….and what I was doing.

"Uh…" came the boss's muffled voice. I felt him stir again in my arms and I rubbed his back slightly, wanting to keep him calm. The last thing either of us needed was for him to get confused and freak out again. "Uh…" he murmured again.

"Hey," I said groggily, still caressing him gently. "It's okay. You're okay."

"Mmm?" he replied, reaching out a bit and touching my shoulder, as if trying to figure out his current situation by touch alone. His hand ran down my arm. I froze, not knowing what his reaction would be.

"Rogers?" he whispered.

My eyes widened and my grogginess vanished as if someone had switched it off. Rogers? As in Steve Rogers?

He thought I was _Captain America?_

I opened and shut my mouth uselessly for the second time that night, not knowing what on earth to say in response to that.

"Rogers?" he asked again, this time a little louder.

Well, I supposed I at least needed to answer him. And there was no way I was planning on pretending I was that big blue goon. "No Boss," I told him gently. "It's me."

"Me?" he repeated back to me in a spacey-sounding voice. Maybe I would get lucky and he would fall back to sleep. That would save my skin for a little longer at least.

"Yeah, me," I said again. "Don't worry, everything's okay. Just go back to-"

"Crossbones?" came his whisper.

I swallowed convulsively. I was dead. "Yeah, it's me," I replied.

"Crossbones?" he asked again.

"Y-y-yeah…" I managed to get out.

I felt pressure on my chest as he placed his hand on it and used it to support himself so he could raise his head and look at me. And my breath caught in my throat.

My eyes had adjusted enough to the darkness to be able to see his face quite clearly. His face, and, more importantly, his eyes.

They were lucid. The fogginess and delirium that had filled them earlier was gone. He was awake and alert. He knew where he was. He knew who I was. He knew what I was doing. And he likely would remember it in the morning.

If there was even going to _be _a morning for me…

"I…I…..I," I stammered, trying to think of a way to explain this. But I knew there wasn't one. At least, there wasn't one that wouldn't piss him off beyond all reason. My options consisted of lying and making myself look bad, or telling the truth and making HIM look bad. Either way, I was doomed.

He looked back at me, frozen, wearing an expression that was just as dumbfounded as I'm sure mine was. "You…" he finally whispered, eyes wide.

I swallowed hard and waited for him to order my death with his very next breath.

His eyes finally changed. But, to my surprise, they showed not anger, but _terror._

"No…" he whispered, sounding as if he couldn't believe what was happening. And, I supposed, he probably couldn't. Heck, I could scarcely believe it. "No…..no, no, _no!"_

"Wha-?" I said stupidly, not comprehending. Was I wrong, and he actually was still delirious? He honestly hadn't looked the part when I looked into his eyes, but if not, why on earth would he still be scared of me?

"Boss, no, it's okay!" I told him frantically. Shit, after all this, I was back where I'd started! If he flipped out again, I wasn't sure I could keep him from alerting the whole mansion with his shrieks.

"No!" he said loudly, trying to pull away. "Get away from me!"

Normally I would have leapt out the bed like it was on fire (and possibly kept going until I was out the door, down the hall, and out in the front yard). But something stopped me. Maybe it was the fear that he would keep on yelling and wake everyone else up, even if I did leave him alone. I stayed where I was.

"I said, get away!" he shrieked, struggling in my arms. "Let me go, let me go! Help me! Help me! Rogers, please! Please help me!"

I froze stupidly once more and he almost managed to wiggle free. He wanted Captain America to save him? What the ever living _fuck?_

I finally caught him before he could get free of me and fall out of bed. I wrapped my arms around him once more and did my best to restrain his weak flailing. He wailed again about wanting me to let him go, and I realized I needed to shut him up quickly. He was practically shouting.

As gently as humanly possible, I pressed my hand over his mouth.

His muffled shriek against my hand reached an almost glass-shattering pitch, but at least it _was _muffled. I doubted anyone would hear him now.

He struggled frantically, trying to pull free of me, trying to hit me, thrashing violently in my arms, but he was too weak to accomplish anything other than tiring himself out. He wailed his terror against my hand, but it was muffled into little more than a high pitched moan. His wide, terrified eyes rolled up at me, somehow managing to look both pitiful and ridiculous. For a brief, unnerving moment, I was reminded of Diamondback, the dame Captain America was currently cavorting around with, back when I had kidnapped her as a young woman.

The very idea that I was treating the Red Skull like a female kidnapping victim of mine made me so ill I almost tossed up my supper right there and then. I thankfully managed to keep it down (this entire situation was already painfully awkward enough without bringing vomit into the mix) and squeezed my eyes shut. I couldn't bear to look at him any longer. I felt like I was violating him even more than I had violated Diamondback. And yet, I couldn't let go. The alternative was worse. I had well and truly fucked up, and whatever punishment I got for all of this, would be completely deserved. About ten times over.

"Boss, please just stop," I whimpered desperately, my eyes stinging with tears of shame. "Please, just calm down. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. Please, just stop…I'm not gonna hurt you…I know you don't believe that, but I really am not. I'm sorry I'm sc…." I thankfully caught myself before humiliating him further. "I'm sorry I'm making you mad," I said instead. "I just need you to calm down. Please, just calm down. I'm so sorry for everything, I really am. I'm such a fuckup. And when you're all better, you can beat the shit out of me for all this. I promise." I was babbling like an idiot, but I couldn't stop.

For the second time that night, time lost all meaning, and I lost track of how long the two of us stayed in that awkward position. But at last I felt his body begin to relax...not contentedly this time, though. No, I felt him sag against me in exhaustion. He had finally tired himself out

Feeling like the lowest piece of shit that ever inhabited the planet, I reached up with my free hand and rubbed his back a bit, trying to comfort him once more. I could still feel him shaking and his heart racing like mad. I opened my eyes a crack to look at him and saw that he was weeping silently against my hand. My nausea returned in full force and I snatched my hand away from his mouth in revulsion. If he had chosen to scream at that moment, we would have both been discovered. But he was too weak to do so anymore. He merely lowered his head back onto my chest and continued his silent weeping.

"Boss?" I finally said, my voice thick with shame. "Boss, I'm sorry. I just didn't want you to scream. I was afraid everyone else would hear, and-"

I stopped. Any excuse I could make sounded hollow. I shut my worthless trap and closed my eyes again, caressing him gently while I waited for whatever happened next. I had no idea what that would be, but whatever it was, I would face it without complaint.

"Rogers…" I heard him whimper against my chest. "Rogers…why? Why won't you come?"

I opened my eyes and looked at him in confusion. There was that strange Captain America thing again. I still couldn't understand why he was so terrified of me but wanted his oldest enemy so desperately.

"Boss, we're trying to find him," I offered up uselessly, knowing once again my excuses didn't matter. "We haven't managed to lure him here yet, but we'll get him for you. I promise. You just need to hang on until then, okay?"

He didn't answer. His face was turned away from me and his sobs had subsided into a quiet sniveling. I still felt like a monster for what I'd done to him. Desperate to fill the embarrassing silence with something, anything, I decided to ask what was on my mind. "What do you want the big blue guy for anyway, Boss?"

I didn't expect him to answer. He didn't really seem capable of coherent conversation anymore. So I was quite surprised when I heard him speak.

"You don't understand," he said weakly, his voice childishly high in his misery. "You don't understand. I need him. I want…I want…I want to be safe."

"You ARE safe," I tried to explain to him yet again. "I know it doesn't feel like it, after I practically smothered you like that, but I didn't hurt you, did I? And I'm not gonna. C'mon, you don't need that flag-wrapped pansy to be safe. You're safe with me." I couldn't believe it, but I was actually starting to feel a little indignant.

"No, you don't…you just don't understand…" he trailed off as he laid his head back on my chest, apparently haven given up on fighting me. "I don't need to pretend with him. I don't have to be…to be…"

"To be what?" I asked him, curious in spite of myself.

He sniffled quietly to himself. "I don't have to be strong."

"To be strong…" I repeated back to him, beginning to understand.

He nodded against me. "It's the only way I can be safe. I can't trust anyone. The only way I can keep everyone from…from….._hurting _me, is to be strong. I have to make my enemies fear me, and my allies respect me. If they don't, they'll kill me."

"But Captain America won't?" I asked him. "Is that why you want to see him?"

He nodded again. "He's good. Don't you see that? He's good. He won't hurt me when I'm helpless. Even if he wanted to, he wouldn't. It's the way he is. With him, I'm…safe. I…I….I just want to be safe while I die. I'm tired, Crossbones. I'm so tired. I need…I just need to be safe this once."

I wanted to say "You are safe," yet again, but instead, all I could think about was how terribly lonely it must be to think that the only person in the entire world you could trust was your arch-enemy…and then only because that enemy was essentially a prisoner of his morals. I'd never given much thought to the drawbacks of the life we led. I knew they existed, and even had a vague idea of their effects, in the same way that I knew eating fried foods was bad for you and too much sugar made your teeth fall out, but I'd never let myself really _understand_ just how they would affect our lives…and just what kind of misery they would cause. It was like the difference between knowing a kick in the crotch hurt and experiencing it firsthand.

"Boss…" I whispered softly, immediately hating myself for letting pity creep into my voice. That was the last thing he needed from me right now.

Fortunately, he was too caught up in his misery to notice. "I saw him when I was underground," he told me softly. "I saw all sorts of phantoms when I was down there with no light or sound. People I knew…people who helped make me what I am today…and people who I, in turn, shaped. But all of them wanted me to die. None of them wanted me to go on…except him."

I supposed that explained why he thought I was a hallucination earlier. I wondered if that meant he had seen me in the darkness too. I considered asking him, but decided against it, knowing I wouldn't like the answer either way.

"I hated him for it, at first," the boss went on. "I didn't want him to care about me. I didn't want his pity or his kindness. But, I was also…glad…that someone cared. Even if it was him. In the darkness, anything is better than nothing."

I rubbed his back gently. "I understand." And strangely enough, I did.

"I saw him often among the phantoms at first. But then…as time went on, I started seeing him less and less. Then, he stopped coming. I thought even he had given up on me. And if he didn't want me to live, then no one did. Not even me." He sighed to himself.

"Boss, I want you to live," I told him.

He gave a short laugh, harsh and humorless in the darkness. "No you don't."

"Yes I do," I told him, irritation beginning to creep into my voice. "I've torn the city apart looking for you! I fought my way into the Hellfire Club trying to rescue you! I paid some psychic midget a hundred thousand dollars to track you down! I brought you back here and I've stayed with you all night. Would Captain America do all that for you?" _Would he do…_this_ for you? _Actually, I regretted asking myself that question. Something told me the big Boy Scout _would _do it, if the boss asked him to. And that was something I didn't really want to think about.

The boss didn't answer me. He didn't even look at me.

"Damn it, Boss!" I snapped. I couldn't fucking believe it, but I was actually _jealous. _"I'm your most loyal soldier! Your right-hand man!"

"None of that matters," he told me quietly. "Not anymore."

"What do you mean it doesn't matter?" I asked, hurt. "Why doesn't it matter?"

"Crossbones?" he suddenly asked me. "Why are you so loyal to me?"

"You know why," I said sulkily.

"Tell me again."

"'Cause my whole life, I've always admired you! I've wanted to be like you! You're amazing! You're the baddest guy who ever lived! The toughest…the nastiest. Everything I've accomplished in my life is only a pathetic imitation of what you've accomplished. You're the ultimate badass, and it's my honor to serve you." My voice broke as I spoke the last part, and I closed my eyes in humiliation. Why was he making me say all this? Was this part of my punishment?

I felt him shake his head and I cracked one eye open. To my surprise, he didn't look like he was enjoying my "punishment" one bit. He wore an expression of dread.

"Boss?" I said softly.

"Don't you see?" he whispered so quietly that I could barely hear him. "You're like all the others. Why would you be loyal to me now? What is there to admire?" His voice became a sneer and he looked up at me, almost defiantly. "Do I look like the 'ultimate badass' now?"

My eyes widened as I finally understood what he was saying. And why he was afraid of me.

He must have seen my change of expression, even through my mask, because his face suddenly lost its defiance and became meek once more. "See?" he told me miserably. "Now you understand. Now you see me for what I really am. Weak. And now…now you hate me. Now you'll kill me. There's no reason to be loyal to something like…this."

"No…" I told him gently, caressing him once more. I understood what he was saying, and why he was afraid, but I didn't want to hurt him. Not even if he had fallen off his pedestal. "Boss, I'm not an idiot. I may worship you, but I know you're not really a god. It would be stupid of me to think that you can't get hurt or be weak, or even get scared sometimes. It happens to everyone. Even people like you. If everyone held everyone else to the standards you hold yourself to, no one would ever be loyal to anyone."

"Exactly," he snarled at me, his eyes flashing with that cold fire.

"No, that wasn't what I meant," I told him. I had forgotten that a world without loyalties was the world he had lived in since infancy. How could he comprehend anything else? "I meant, everyone isn't the way you think. Not everyone is waiting to stab you in the back the first time you turn around."

His eyes narrowed. He looked like he thought I was feeding him a line of bullshit. "Even if what you say is true, there's no way to know who is and who isn't. How would I ever know who to trust?"

I sighed, knowing there was no easy answer. "I guess you figure it out the way you'd figure anything else out. By watching and learning and deciding for yourself."

"And the first time I make a mistake, then what?" He looked at me and watched me fumble for an answer. "You see," he went on. "I can't take that risk."

"But Boss," I replied, placing a hand on his shoulder. "You're taking it now."

His eyes flew wide. He opened and shut his mouth without speaking a word, just like I had earlier. And I began to wonder if I had finally gotten through to him.

"You see?" I said, keeping my voice as soft and gentle as I could. "If I wanted to kill you while you were weak and helpless, I'd have done it. I'd have left you to rot in that fallout shelter. Or I'd have smothered you while you slept tonight. But I didn't, did I? I gave it my all to find you, and I've taken care of you ever since then. I even stayed with you tonight…like….like _this, _even though I know you'll probably kill me for it. 'Cause you needed me." I shook my head slightly. "If that doesn't prove my loyalty, then I don't know what does."

I saw a look of absolute confusion in his eyes. He looked like a kid who'd just been presented with some long, complicated equation and told to solve it. Like he wouldn't even know where to begin. "But…but…but…" he finally stammered. "If you don't respect me, then why-?"

"I _do _respect you," I said firmly. "I thought I made that clear. The fact that you're a human, with human weaknesses doesn't change the things about you that I admire. The things about you that I respect. Those things are more important than any weakness I see in you." I reached down and gently turned his head so he was looking up at me. "Understand?"

And surprisingly, I did see understanding slowly begin to dawn in his bewildered blue eyes. The confusion never quite left them, but comprehension slowly twinkled to life and began to mingle with it, creating the strangest expression I'd ever seen on anyone's face. I don't think he'd ever looked more vulnerable during this whole ordeal than he did right at that moment.

Unable to resist, I slipped my arms back around him and held him close to me. And this time, he didn't fight me. I didn't know if it was because he was too tired to resist or if he actually wanted me to do it this time, but I did know that he didn't feel scared anymore. And that was what was important. I'd not only managed to ease his fears once again, I'd managed to ease a completely different fear than before, a much deeper and more personal one. And because of that, my relief, and amusingly, my sense of accomplishment, was greater than before. I may not have been Captain America, but I would do.

"And what do you get out of this, Crossbones?" His whisper startled me out of my musings and snapped me back to the current situation.

"W-what do you mean, Boss?" I asked him.

"I mean exactly what I asked," he replied. "What does this loyalty of yours accomplish? You don't serve me because you want what I have. You don't serve me because you think I'm stronger than you. You seem to serve me only because you would be unhappy not doing so. And yet, if that's the case, why are you going along with my wishes? If you don't want to live without me, why let me die?"

"Because, it's what you want," I told him sheepishly. "You're the boss." I realized I sounded like a simpleton, but it _was _the truth.

"And once again, you end up with nothing!" he sneered at me. "Why, you even comforted me thinking I would kill you for it in the morning! What does all this get you? You seem to be loyal for the sake of being loyal! It makes no sense!"

"I…I….I don't know….I just…I just…." I felt as confused as he had looked a moment ago. And strangely enough, I felt myself flushing a bit. I was suddenly glad for the darkness, and the mask I still wore.

"You just what?" he pressed me. A bit of his old presence had returned to him. It seemed like he was actually ordering me to answer.

"I don't know, Boss!" I said desperately. "I don't know what it gets me, okay? I don't know! I just gotta…for you….because…because…it's you…and…and…."

I think we both realized it at the same time. There was an almost imperceptible widening if his eyes, a mere flicker of wider blue that was gone in an instant. But while his reaction was surprisingly discrete, mine was the exact opposite.

Terror…absolute, utter terror, washed over me. Time slowed to a stop as I began to realize just what he was going to do to me now that he knew. Now that we BOTH knew. He was going to make me suffer. He was going to make me bleed. He was going to make me beg for death before the end. I knew it. And for a brief, surreal moment, I wondered if I really SHOULD try and smother him, only because it was the only possible way I would be able to save myself from what was in store for me. But of course such a thing was unthinkable now, given what I'd realized.

He was still looking at me. I stared back in a panic, wanting to deny it, wanting to beg his forgiveness, to beg him not to hurt me. It didn't even matter that he _couldn't _hurt me right now, as he was. It hadn't mattered all night, because no matter how weak he was, I was at his mercy... And now I knew why. I drew in a deep breath that caught in my throat. There was wetness on my cheeks.

"You're crying," he whispered. There was no judgment in his voice…no surprise, no contempt, no amusement. He said it as a simple fact, as if he were making an observation about the weather.

I pressed a hand over my eyes, as if I could squeeze the tears back in. "Yeah, so what?" I said miserably. "I'm not the only one who's done that tonight, you know." I wasn't sure what possessed me to talk back to him, given how scared I was. Maybe I'd realized that, since my fate was already sealed, it didn't really matter anymore what I said.

He didn't reply. Instead, I felt him touch my arm. "You're shaking," he said, still in that same toneless voice.

I didn't say anything in response, still concentrating on taking deep breaths and getting myself under control before the dam burst and the waterworks became impossible to contain.

"Why Crossbones," I heard him say. "You're as frightened as I was." And could it be that I heard _wonder _in his voice?

I opened my mouth to reply, although I had absolutely no idea what I was going to say in response to that, and all my humiliation and terror rushed out instead. I clapped my hand over my mouth, trying to smother my sobs, but they came out anyway, loud and uneven in the darkness.

I felt him reach up and touch my face. "Hush," I heard him say. "You needn't do that."

I opened my eyes and saw, even through my tears, that he was wearing that same, confused-yet-slightly-interested expression he'd had before I stared my childish bawling. He reminded me of a kid who'd just seen some strange bug crawl up the wall and didn't know quite what to make of it.

"You're making too much noise," he told me flatly. "Someone will hear you, Crossbones."

I surprised myself by letting out a short bark of a laugh in the middle of all my boo-hooing. Wouldn't THAT be ironic? After all my efforts to try and keep the boss quiet, wouldn't it be just rich if I turned out to be the one who drew an audience to our two-man idiot show? Still, his point was valid. I shut up.

As I scrubbed the moisture from my eyes, I realized with surprise that he had laid his head back down against my chest. When I looked down at him, I saw his eyes were closed.

"Boss?" I said through my sniffles. Was he just going to go back to sleep after all that?

"Hmm?" he said. His eyes stayed closed.

I realized I didn't know what I was going to ask him. But I felt like what happened needed _some _sort of acknowledgment. I supposed I could at least apologize. "I'm really sorry, Boss. I really wasn't trying to…to…"

He cut me off. "You talk too much, Crossbones."

I blinked. He wasn't having the reaction to all this that I'd anticipated. "Boss…I…"

"What is it?" he asked flatly.

"Are…are you gonna kill me? Now that you know?"

"Kill you?" He sounded as though the idea had never even occurred to him. "_Kill you?_ Do you take me for a fool, Crossbones?"

"No," I said automatically, not understanding his question. "But aren't you mad? Don't you…hate me?"

"I hate everyone, don't I?" he said softly. He almost sounded amused.

"Yeah, but…I guess I thought you'd be mad. I thought you'd wanna to kill me."

He sighed. "Crossbones, I told you I thought I had no one I could trust. No one I could be safe with. No one except for Rogers. You've just proven that that's not true. The…reason may be different, but it doesn't change the fact." He raised his head slightly to look at me. "Do you think I would be foolish enough to throw away a valuable resource like that? One I so desperately need?"

My mouth dropped open. He wasn't going to kill me. Not only that, but…

"You're _glad?" _I asked, incredulously.

He raised an eyebrow. "Don't put words in my mouth. However…" He hesitated slightly, seeming to wrestle with something. Finally, he reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder. "For what it's worth….I don't hate you, Crossbones." He dropped his eyes from mine. "I suppose I owe you that much. I probably owe you a 'thank you' as well."

Tears blurred my vision once again. "Really?" I said thickly. I didn't think the waterworks were going to turn back on, but it was touch and go for the moment.

He nodded, then lay back down in my arms. Hesitantly, I tightened them back around him. He let me. I smiled.

"So that's it," I whispered.

"What do you mean?" he asked softly.

"You asked me what I got out of all this, remember?"

He nodded.

"Well, whatever it is…I think you just gave it to me."

He chuckled softly. And it was actually a nice chuckle, sort of warm and friendly. I don't think I'd ever heard him laugh without malice before. "That's all it is? It's a pity I didn't understand that sooner. It would have saved me from having to pay you such an over-inflated salary."

"Hey!" I exclaimed in mock horror. "I'm worth every penny, aren't I?"

I felt him smile against my neck. "Perhaps…" he whispered. He was beginning to sound sleepy.

I patted him on the back gently. "You wanna go back to sleep, Boss? I can put you down if you-"

He shook his head. "No, I…I don't…think that's necessary," he replied. "However…" he paused to swallow dryly. "I am thirsty."

My eyes flew wide. He wanted _water?_

"Uh, I think there's a glass on the nightstand," I told him. Mother Night had been frantically trying to get him to drink it earlier. "It's probably all warm now though. But I can get up and get you a new one."

He shook his head again. "No, that one will do."

I reached out and found it on the small table beside the bed. Sitting up slightly, I propped him upright in my arms and held the glass to his lips. "Drink it real slow, okay?" I told him. "You haven't had anything in your stomach in a while. You might get sick if you gulp it."

He didn't reply, but he let me give him the water, savoring each sip of the tepid tapwater as if it were the sweetest nectar on earth. And after so long without fluids, perhaps it was. I didn't know. I was just happy to see him get some liquid in him. Food would be even better, but there wasn't any, and anyway, he was beginning to look very sleepy.

"There we go," I said softly, as he finished the last sip. "That's better." I set the empty glass on the nightstand and gathered him back into my arms. I pulled the blankets up over him and settled back down on the bed. "Time for you to go back to sleep."

"I give the orders around-" The rest of his sentence was cut off by a mighty yawn. Apparently forgetting about the rest of his declaration, he laid his head back down on my chest and closed his eyes.

I smiled and cradled him affectionately, stroking the back of his neck. On a whim, I leaned in close to him, hesitated, and then decided to go ahead. It wasn't like I was going to get another chance.

Not bothering to even remove my mask, I leaned over and placed the barest whisper of a kiss on the top of his head. Then, I leaned back and shut my eyes.

"Crossbones?" came his voice.

"Yeah, Boss?" I muttered.

"Do that again and I really will kill you." But I felt him smile against me once more.

I chuckled softly. "All right, point taken." I patted him on the back. "Goodnight, Boss."

"Johann," came his whisper.

My eyes flew open again. "Huh?"

"Johann," he repeated. "My name is Johann."

His real name? He was telling me his real name?

"There are very few people who know that name," he told me softly.

I immediately held him tighter and leaned down to whisper in his ear. "I'll keep it safe, Boss. Just like I'll keep you safe. I promise."

He nodded almost imperceptibly and closed his eyes. It wasn't long before he drifted off to sleep.

I followed not far behind.


	3. Dawn

Dawn

I opened my eyes to the dim gray light of morning. Suppressing a yawn, I shifted ever so slightly, trying to relieve the soreness in my arms and shoulders. The boss may have been smaller than I was, but he was no lightweight, even in his emaciated condition, and my entire upper body ached. Still, despite the pain, I didn't want to put him down. Not yet. Not only did I not want to wake him, but I also knew I would never get another chance to hold him in my arms like this. I wasn't willing to give this moment up just yet. Certainly not for something as trivial as sore muscles.

Instead, I raised my head slightly to look at him and smiled. He looked so relaxed the way he was, his breathing soft and even, his face peaceful and untroubled. He looked like he felt…safe. And my vision blurred slightly as I looked at him, knowing that I had given him something no one else ever had…and something I had only just come to understand that he had always wanted.

I blinked the tears back, having no intention of repeating last night's watershow, and instead tightened my arms around him, cradling him close to me, resting his head softly against my neck. At that moment, I think I loved him more than anyone had ever loved anything.

_I promise I'll always protect you, _I swore to him, although I didn't even dare to whisper the words aloud for fear of waking him. _I promise I'll stay by your side and keep you safe for as long as you need me._

Which wouldn't be very much longer at all, I reminded myself sadly. In the state he was in, he probably only had a day or two left. I felt a powerful stirring of grief, much stronger than any of my previous worries, at the thought. After coming to realize what I had last night, and even more, finding out that not only had he not rejected me for it, but actually…appreciated it, the thought of watching him die seemed almost unbearable.

But still…it was what he wanted. And since that was the case, the only thing I could do was make sure I stayed by his side and gave him whatever comfort I could during his final few days of life.

I sighed softly and held him close, wishing I could change the inevitable and knowing I couldn't.

I felt him stir slightly in my arms and I looked down at him. A moment later his eyes flickered open. Still blinking a bit sleepily, he raised his head to look at me.

"'Morning, Boss," was all I said. I yawned.

He looked at me for a moment more, then laid his head back down against my chest. "What time is it?" he muttered.

I turned my head slightly to glance at the clock on the nightstand. "Almost seven," I told him, suppressing a grimace. That meant the others would be waking up soon, if they weren't up already. Mother Night would probably be coming in here to check on him. "I suppose I should get up," I said.

He reached out and placed a hand on my arm. "Wait," he said, his voice almost…hesitant.

I looked a silent question at him.

"Not yet," he said, so softly I could barely hear. "Just…..a little longer," he said, looking away from me in quiet humiliation.

I blinked in surprise, then felt a rush of tenderness as I looked at his vulnerable expression. He didn't want it to end either. He probably thought the same thing I thought….that as much as we both enjoyed it, it was something we could never, ever do again. Therefore, he was reluctant to end it.

"Whatever you say, Boss," I told him, rubbing his back. "But if someone comes in here and sees us, YOU get to be the one to explain it, okay?" I mugged at him slightly.

He chuckled softly, the tension in his face gone. His eyes slid shut once more.

"You know…" I said hesitantly, unsure of how exactly to say this without sounding ridiculous. I cleared my throat and tried anyway. "You know I'm your most loyal man, Boss. I'd…I'd do anything for you. So…if you need me, you know I'm always here." I felt myself blushing behind my mask, quite aware of how schmaltzy that sounded. But after last night's events, I supposed I no longer needed to pussyfoot around. If he wanted me to comfort him in the future, I wanted him to know that I would. He didn't have to be afraid to ask.

He didn't reply-in fact, he gave no indication that he had even heard me. Knowing this was embarrassing for him too, I didn't press the issue. He knew. That was what was important.

There was silence between us for a long while as we lay there together, watching the light in the room turn from gray to pink as the sun peeked over the horizon. A few birds started twittering in the bushes outside.

"Noisy buggers," I grumped softly, as a few more joined in. "Don't know what's so important they got to talk about it this early in the morning."

The boss smiled, and surprisingly, I saw a bit of wistfulness on his eyes. "I've never minded," he said softly. "I wonder what kind they are."

"Beats me," I said with a shrug. I didn't know shit about wildlife. "Yellow-bellied sapsuckers or something."

He chuckled. "I don't think we had that kind in Bavaria," he said, still smiling.

"Maybe they're titmice," I said, feeling a bit mischievous.

A laugh burst past the boss's lips before he could stifle it. "Stop," he told me. But he was still grinning.

"Or boobies!" I went on. I think I would have even considered sticking my tongue out at him, if I hadn't still been wearing my mask.

The boss snickered like a naughty schoolboy. "Act your age," he mock-scolded me. "I'm trying to tell you something, you know."

I tried to force myself to sober up. "Go right ahead then, Boss," I told him. "I'm your captive audience."

That made him laugh again. "Quiet," he told me, almost affectionately. He cleared his throat slightly. "Anyway, as I was _trying _to say, this is actually my favorite time of the day. Do you know why?"

I shook my head. Hell, it hadn't even occurred to me that the boss could have a favorite _anything. _ He didn't seem like the type who cared about sentimental shit like that. Then again, as I had been reminded last night, he was just as human as anyone else. I suppose that meant he could have sentimental moments just as much as he could have moments of fear or pain. They were all moments of vulnerability. Sentimentality was just a different type of vulnerability. One he felt comfortable enough revealing to me. I listened.

"When I was a little boy growing up in Germany, my life was very…" he hesitated, as if trying to find the right words. "…difficult," he finally finished. "I grew up in an orphanage, and later, on the streets. As a common thief, if you can believe that." He chuckled softly, but it stuck in his throat. I reached up and gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

After a slight pause, he continued. "It wasn't a happy life," he said. "The caretakers at the orphanage weren't terribly…compassionate. They certainly believed in discipline. Apparently, little boys needed quite a bit of it if they were to have a chance of growing up to be proper young men. Even the slightest mistake might jeopardize that future…unless it was swiftly corrected." He winced at the memory.

I kept my hand on his shoulder and didn't move it, despite my desire to comfort him. There was a fine line between showing support and showing pity, and I didn't want to cross it.

"The streets were worse," he went on. "My whole life was consumed with finding enough to eat, a place to sleep, and avoiding trouble with other criminals. And the police."

I could definitely relate to that. His old life didn't sound that much different than my younger life. Except that I at least had the protection of being in gangs most of the time. Strange that the two of us actually had such similar beginnings. I didn't say any of that though. I wasn't sure the boss would appreciate me comparing myself to him. He had risen much further than me, after all, and it was possible his lowly past was a source of embarrassment for him.

"So my days were unpleasant to say the least" he said. "And my nights…" He almost cringed.

"Boss?" I said anxiously, beginning to worry about him. I didn't want him to tell me all of this if it was going to upset him.

He shook his head almost stubbornly and went on. "My nights were filled with terror. At the orphanage, it was only nightmares, but once I was on the streets….I learned what danger really was. Back in those days, Germany was full of desperate people. Crime was everywhere, and a little boy wouldn't have lasted long alone at night on the street….unless he was good at hiding... Which I was." He shook his head sadly. "But I was still afraid. Afraid that that night's hiding spot wouldn't be as good as the last. That that night was the night when someone would discover me. There were nights when I didn't sleep at all, I was so afraid. I always lay down at night wondering if I was going to live to see the morning."

I nodded, once again feeling a touch of companionship with him. I had long since grown accustomed to the night and the night's ills…but when I was younger and far more unused to the life I now led, I could remember being terrified. The boss's time at the orphanage must have been truly terrible indeed if such a life was preferable.

"But the mornings…" the boss went on. "The mornings were different. The dangers of the night were over, but the misery of the day had not yet begun. It was peaceful, and it was safe. Sometimes I would get up from wherever I had hidden myself and sit and watch the sun rise over the mountains. And listen to the birds sing," he added with a chuckle, glancing toward the window. "It always amused me how it sounded like they didn't have a care in the world. You'd think I'd be jealous, given how hard my own life was, but I wasn't. Maybe I simply wasn't willing to stoop so low as to be jealous of a bunch of mindless animals."

"You always were a proud guy," I teased, patting him on the back.

The boss smiled. "Sometimes I still like to have my coffee and watch the sun rise," he told me. "There are no mountains here, but…the sunrises are still quite beautiful."

I almost gaped at him. That last sentence was something I could never have imagined coming out of his mouth, and yet…..at the same time, it seemed so utterly _characteristic_ of the man I had come to understand so much more in the past few hours. It was strange how much better I felt like I knew him after such a simple conversation. But then, as long as I'd served him, we'd never really _had _a conversation like this before. In fact, I wondered if the boss had ever had a conversation like this with anyone. Maybe he hadn't. Maybe I was the only other person in the world who knew the Red Skull liked to have coffee while he watched the sunrise. The thought actually made me grin.

The boss yawned and rested his head against my shoulder contentedly. "Perhaps I'll invite you to join me someday," he said, almost warmly.

I blinked in surprise. And it wasn't just because of the invite either. No, it was the reference to the future that did it. If he wanted me to join him some morning in the future, that meant that he anticipated _having _a future.

Was he planning to live?

He looked up at me, still gaping at him, and raised an eyebrow. "Well?" he said, looking slightly put out. "Is my invite not good enough? Do I have to offer you breakfast too?"

"No!" I said, embarrassed that I'd forgotten he had been waiting for an answer. "No, I'd be happy to, Boss! Just say the word and I'll be there, okay?"

He nodded, seemingly satisfied, and raised his head to glance toward the nightstand. "Is there any more water?" he asked me

I looked at the empty cup on the nightstand. "Nah, I'm afraid you drank it all last night," I told him. "But I can get up and get you some more, if you're thirsty."

He hesitated a moment more, then finally nodded. "All right." There was a touch of regret in his voice.

I pretended I didn't notice and sat up. Every muscle in my body protested as I gathered the boss in my arms once again and set him down beside me. I slipped the blankets back over him, then sat on the edge of the bed and stretched, trying to work the kinks in my aching muscles.

Beside me, the boss discretely did the same. I supposed he was just as stiff and sore as I was. "Do we have any breakfast?" he asked me with another yawn.

I almost fell over in the process of reaching for my boots. He wanted _food? _

"S-sure Boss," I said, trying to hide my surprise as I pulled the boots back on. "You want anything in particular? I don't think we have any food here, but I can go out and get you whatever you want."

He thought for a moment. "Weißwurst and brezen," he said.

I blinked. What-wurst and _what_?

He laughed. "It's the quintessential Bavarian breakfast. You've never had it?"

"No, Boss, I don't even know what that _is,_" I admitted as I put my belt back on.

He laughed again. "It's white sausage and….I suppose you'd call them soft pretzels. With sweet mustard."

I finished buckling my belt and holsters and looked back over at the boss, hoping I'd managed to keep my expression neutral. Mustard-covered pretzels for breakfast? What ever happened to good, old-fashioned corn flakes? "I'll do my best, Boss, but I'm guessing they don't have that down at the 7-11. I don't suppose I can talk you into doughnuts instead?"

He shook his head. "My mind's made up. And get enough for two," he said. He raised an eyebrow when I looked back at him. "It would be a shame for you to go through life never having tried such a delicacy."

Somehow, I didn't think I was missing out on much. Pretzels with mustard didn't exactly get my mouth watering. And I still didn't know where I was going to get all this. But then….I would personally fly to Bumfuck, Bavaria and hunt it down if it meant the boss would get some food in him.

"Will do, Boss," I said, pulling the ammo-holders back over my wrists. Once again fully dressed, I got to my feet and headed for the door.

"Oh, and Crossbones?" came his voice from behind me.

I turned my head and looked back at him.

"I don't need to see Captain America anymore," he said. He laid his head back down on the pillow.

I smiled. Maybe things really were going to be all right. "Okay, if you're sure," I said. When he nodded, I added: "But if that's the case, I think we should take you back to base. We haven't exactly been…discreet about being here, and if we stay here much longer, you may end up seeing Cappy whether you want to or not."

He hesitated, then nodded. "All right. We'll go as soon as you've gotten transportation ready." Then he glanced up at me in amusement. "It's not even eight in the morning and already I've given you quite the 'to-do' list. Do you think you can manage all that?"

"Hey, you can count on me," I told him. I gently reached down and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Always."

Then I hurried out of the bedroom to go find the others and get started on the day's tasks.

/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /

**I like to think that Crossbones stormed into the nearest German restaurant with an AK-47 and demanded they hand over all their weißwurst and pretzels. It wouldn't be the weirdest thing he's had to do as Red Skull's henchman :P**

**Anyway, thanks for reading! And I'd also like to give a big thanks to rockofmarduck, The Authy, rodeoCLOWNgirl, Jasperblood, and Blueblade18 for the wonderful reviews and messages you sent me, and neonalbatross13 on Deviantart for the very sweet fanart you drew. Thank you all so much :D**


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